Road to..

4:03:00 AM

"Ok" kunun..

Padahal xtau apa mo tulis ni...
Blog yg bukan mcm blog..

Mcm sa deactivate fb oo..
Tepaksa datang sini mo coret2 ayat ntahapapantah...

Xda ayat spesel ni ari..
Sbb sa give up la jadi org spesel ni..

Next destination adalah... journey is...
Road to be an idiot and normal guy..

Byk lg pula dlm hidup ni yg sa xtau..
Byk lg yg sa x phm..

2017 suda mo abis...
Tahun dpan umur makin tua adeh..
Tp bila sa tgk cermin..alalala..
underage c gaman..

Ya ujung2 taun ni mesti ramai yg kawen..sbb cuti sekolah..
Dan ramai juga la yg tanya sa nnt kawen bila..penat sa kena ty haha...

Ok tiapa..mcm sa mo sipta kunun lagu tema kawen ni tp xda idea..
Nnt2 la tu kan..

Skg pun x terlukis lg tu potret2 para peminat sa d fb..sibuk bah..
Sibuk bah mo kasi siap rumah...

Addeeehhh... Mo tidur pula ni..lewat suda...

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9:14:00 PM

I'm bored..
Don't know where to go..
Don't know what to do..

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Story behind my Randow Draw Challenge

8:37:00 PM

About 1 month ago, i bought a sketch book (the cheapest i can found) and a mechanical pencil. And the first sketch was a girl holding her phone. I posted it on my wall. Unexpectedly, my cousin asked me to sketch her picture..
I sketched her pic and posted on my wall..
Then a few more people requested me to sketch theirs..

But I wanted to sketch someone who can give me vibe..I scrolled my fb friend list and then I found this someone..
I don't remember this someone being my friend in real life.. She is a complete stranger.
I secretly borrowed and sketched her picture. After I finished sketching her picture, I wanted to post to my wall but out of respect, I asked her permission to use her picture. I told her I was challenged by someone to draw a random people from my fb friend list. When she said yes..that's the beginning of my Random Draw Challenge.
It's just a LIE.

But I lied for a reason..

For 5 years I've been living my life without sense of living. I only lived coz' I didn't want to die. I'm not interested in almost everything.. Depressed..bored..and I don't have the will to stay alive.
But after I sketched this someone, my sense of living...came back..

By having my sense of living again, I can feel how nice to be alive..

Sketching her gave me a great feel like I can read her emotion..

Then the next morning I woke up, my first prayer was.. God, teach me how to love that giving and not to take.

Because.. I want to love you or her or anyone..I can love them even if they're not mine..

But if someday I meet a woman who can love me for real.. For her, I will try my best..

P/s: This is the first time coming here without tears..

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C bibir tebal dan c mata sepet

12:34:00 AM

Before I start writing the story of "c bibir tebal & c mata sepet",.. I want to cry first...
I will continue this story later...sorry..bye

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Not so important things to can just leave

7:30:00 PM

Before I know it, I have mental disorder. I'm sick. Damn it!

I never realised it before but when I read article about depression, oh god.. I actually been depressed for years
And I've been fighting it without realising what it was

There were times when I felt that everything was so boring. I'm uninterested in almost everything. I would ended up doing nothing. Just laying on bed.
I need someone to talk with..
But talking to my family just won't do.. I kept this secret from them..
I need someone but there is no one there for me...
Then I come here calling your name..
Crying for hours like shit..
Why do my heart so greedy...
Is there anything in the world can replace you...?

Damn..everybody gonna hate me...
I'm so ugly now...
I'm totally lost...
Can God actually hear me?

Pain is real...
My only reason to live is..
Living the life you expect me to live without you.. Living a happy life..
But some times I got sloppy and get depressed..
I'm sorry..

I'm really sorry...
I've asked God to send me someone since you were gone but no one came..
Maybe I'm not deserved that life...

I did some crazy stuff.. I did thing I never done before.. Yeah..a temporary happiness...
A new hobbies.. New stuff..

In the end.. I still want you..
I'm sorry saying such a selfish word..
So sorry.. Babai..

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I want you to know

3:30:00 AM

I feel like there is no tomorrow for me...
I'm alive but I don't feel alive...
Tomorrow is just a boring day..just like today and yesterday...
I'm trying my hard to live...
I'm bored...
Bosan abis..tahap dewa..
Tomorrow I will try to do a recording...

I want to sing 'the reason i became singer' but I still learning that song..

Damn..why do I'm wearing earphone but no song, no sound..

I wish I can come back to the time where we first met...

Nahh...just kidding...

Ok here is my imagination, what will I do if I can go back to the time we first met?

I will directly confess my feeling and get rejected on the spot..that's it..

Actually, I never want to turn back time even if I can...the past was really full of sufferings and painfull..I never want to experience it twice...

Maybe this boring life is better... I feel guilty for everything that happened to so called our forever love...

Damn it..I already moved on lah..but life still boring as ever..

Ahh..this boredom really make me suffer...
Maybe I should go rob a bank..go rap some girls..yeah..
But I think being the good guy is what really the best...

No one can see me, I don't mind..I just need your eyes to look into me..
No one notice me, I don't mind..
I just need you to notice me..
No one like me, I don't mind..
I just need you...

Or maybe..if someday, if I meet a girl that everytime I look into her eyes, my heart will say, "I will never leave this girl, I will never get bored of her"...
This girl is all I need, and I'll stop needing you..

I don't expect you to read this, I don't expect much..but if you accidentally read this, please don't be bothered... I don't want to bother anyone especially someone like you..

I expect you to live a happy life ever after..
Please hate me, avoid me, block me or do anything if it will make you happy..

If I'm dead, I wont haunt you.. I know I'm ugly but I wish to be your guardian angel...

What a foolish thought..I don't wanna die yet..

8 Sept 2012..until 12 Sept 2012

A painfull became the reason what I am today...'s been 5 years since then...
5 years..5 years..

I remember the first movie we watched together... p/s: i love you
I remember your panties, I remember your scent, I remember your lips, your forehead, your hair, your kiss...
And I don't even need my whole eyes to recognise you..
I remember your phone number even if I lost my contact list..your number I add first..
I remember your hugs, I remember how you always mock me for being small and short...
I remember that you always spend money on me, u always buy me shirt..u helped me buy flight tickets..
I remember how much you sacrificed for me, that I could never imagine you leaving me..
You're just like an angel to me, that I've put my unwavering faith on you...
You're my one and only best friend i ever had.. I can talk about anything...
I never really thought of you as my gf, but rather a life to me..

The most I remember about u, and never forget is...your eyes..
Your eyes always tell me "I love you too much"...that's why, everytime I look into your eyes, I remind my self that "I will never leave you, I will never get bored of you"...

Every time, I tried to be in a relationship..I always ended up leaving..because I can't love another girl..
I thought that being in relationship with another can help me forget you, but actually it help me remember...

ABCDEF means a lot...but people just's not's beautiful...

I want you to know, I already moved on..
But when I moved, I forgot to leave my feeling for you...that's all for today..

Sekian dan terima kasih..
Sumbat idung oo..adeh..
Besok kena bangun awal, mau rakam nyanyi dulu baru p kerja..

Take care yourself okay!!!!

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Can i live without?

4:08:00 AM

When i play video game on my lappy, it's too laggy...because of my laptop is too old. I think i should buy a new one, but after i surveyed.. I asked myself, "can i live without buying new lappy?" answer, "yes, i can.." Then i ended up not buying..
So many things that i want for myself, but when i think about my answer.. I always ended up giving up or uninterested..

I always ignoring my desires..
Ignore, ignore and ignore...
In the end, i feel like a zombie without any interest become lesser..
And i get bored so easily...
I ended up doing goal, no interest, and no emotion...

If i thought i can live without doing it, i wont do it...

I ended up being a useless being..
I'm so dead inside..

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3:46:00 AM

Even if we lose our memory, we could never forget what we love.

Back in 2012.  If i do have a little more money on that day, i would act recklessly following my emotion and my true feeling. But i dont have money to spend..and i thought everything would be alright.

I always say to my self that i have no regret in my life. But deep in my heart.. It hurt me.. I dont know which is wrong and which is right anymore. Either way, it would bring the same fate to me..HURT.

I chose not to cancel my flight, and decided to go back to my uni. I continued my study and barely passed. But it useless...i lost interest in that field and i do what i want in the end.. And i am unemployed now..

What if i didnt go back to my uni, staying near to the one i need. Fight for the one i love. Without finishing my degree.
I wonder..maybe that way, is better than now..

Day by day, i feel that my sense of interest become less...everything seem so boring. I live my life just for the sake of living..

I always tell myselft that it's better this way...sometime, i believe it..but in reality, this life couldn't be better than you're here....

They say that i should not look back because it will bring painful memory..

But for me..looking forward is what hurt me so much. When i close my eyes and imagine what will my future would be..
I see you and me sitting below the moonlight holding hands and it so cold...
When i open my eyes, my chest hurt so much and tears will follow...

As long as it live in someone's memory, the love could never die.

I forgot anything to give more space for it.. Even the name of people i met yesterday, i couldn't remember...

Damn it hurt me much...

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